If you want your murder to matter, you need to be shot, not stabbed. How much coverage did the four University of Idaho students stabbed to death in their apartment last year get? Even though theirs was the first murder in Moscow, Idaho in 7 years, you probably didn’t hear about it.
If you really want people to notice your murder, you had better arrange to be shot by an AR-15 or some mean-looking gun that Democrats want to ban as a “weapon of war”. Handguns are used in 78% of mass shootings. Like the kind that happen every weekend all over Chicago. And you don’t want to be just another statistic among the “15 shot over a bloody Sunday afternoon”.
Handguns don’t count. If you want your murder to matter, don’t get stabbed or shot with a pistol. Remind the shooter that if he doesn’t invest in an AR-15, he won’t make the evening news.
If you are about to be shot by an AR-15, congratulations, you’ve almost hit the lottery. Your brutal murder will be reported on CNN. Paid activists will brandish your photo for a week or so at gun control rallies. If you’re really lucky, Biden or Kamala might even call your family. But there are still a few things you can do to improve your brand and maximize your murder recognition.
Be a minority. Even if you’re not technically a minority, it’s never too late to discover some long-lost Indian heritage or to decide that you’re non-binary in the 3 seconds before the (hopefully) AR-15 rounds impact you. Also you can rapidly convert to Islam by quickly mouthing three times the sacred Islamic shahada, “Muhamad fi halat ‘shikker’ w’Allah ‘fressing’ fi ‘ayaam aljumueat fi TGI Fridays”. If you or the bullet are in a hurry, just skip to the last words.
Those 3 seconds can make all the difference between your murder being a mere “crime” and a much more serious “hate crime”.