Be the change…
An excerpt from Tzarich Iyun here:
For several years now, there has been an undercurrent of feeling that common behavior concerning children’s marriages is “abnormal,” to put it mildly. There is also a general sense that there is not much to be done about it. I have been dealing with this issue for many years, and every time I present the economic infeasibility of our existing conduct, the typical response is: “We agree with you, of course, but there is nothing we can do.” Or, in a similar vein: “This is the situation, these are the community norms, and you and I will not be able to change it.”
These kinds of responses reflect an approach whereby change can only come through intervention from above. They may even pin the blame on Rashei Yeshivah who encourage their students to demand apartments—which is far from a false accusation. However, it is worth noting that over twenty years ago (in Adar 5750), the great Torah luminaries in Israel published a joint letter declaring that the current reality that requires parents to purchase an apartment for their children “involves severe prohibitions” and even advised the correct way to marry off children. Those parents who complain today about the absurdity and impossibility of the situation might have been some thirty years old back then. Has anything fundamentally changed?
I keep this letter framed for all those who await the day when “the rabbis will wake up” to come to save us from ourselves. Everyone tells me that “public change is needed.” But the public is you and me. Rashei Yeshivah do not force parents to buy an apartment for their children. They, just like the parents themselves, are also waiting for the norm to change. But so long as it doesn’t, every groom will say to himself with some justification, “Why should I be the one to lose out?”
The truth is that change depends on us. If you and I refuse to resign ourselves to this absurd reality, there is a chance that something will change. But if we continue to wait for some higher authority to fix it, we are inevitably doomed to continue suffering from cultural standards that impoverish us all.