Occasionally someone shares with me some ongoing heartbreaking event. Or that their whole life is heartbreaking.
But I’m no hand-holder (I don’t want their misery to splash into my own life. Besides, I’m no good at it [Source: Experience]).
Instead, I toss the ball back into their court.
Copy\adapt this template:
I hear you, [include “Active Listening”.] Pregnant silence to share grief.
Then, haltingly:
Are you, um, looking for a way out? Or do you want my empathy for now?
If they show a sincere desire to exit their straits, I continue (with a trace of suspicion):
Tell me, and excuse the question, but do you follow the Shulchan Aruch?
Yes! How dare you?! You mean Hashem BH\divorcée\boss\daughter\the growth\Mashgiach\etc. is halachically in the right?! Or are you cynically referencing “Kol man de’avid rachmana”? Wow. I thought you’re super-sensitive, but now I see you’re one of the callous masses! Etc…
No no. None of that! Come back here, I beg you. I don’t want to raise my voice.
Humph. OK, I walked back. What do you want?!
Just answer the question.
Huh? What question?!
Do you follow the Shulchan Aruch?
Hmmm [already turning his face away]… Are you serious?
Yes. Do you follow the Shulchan Aruch?
Sure. What are driving at? Are you perfect, then?!
Forget about me. Think about yourself for a moment. Do you follow the Shulchan Aruch?
I told you already: YES!
OK. All of it? The whole Shulchan Aruch?
Well, I try.
But you accept it all in principle? Really?
Yes… (curiosity awakened)
Come here, I want to read you something.
[Opens S. A. Orch Chaim 578…]
סימן תקעח: שכל יחיד יתענה ויתפלל על צרתו
כשם שהצבור מתענים ומתפללים על צרתם, כך כל יחיד מתענה ומתפלל על צרתו. כיצד, היה לו חולה או תועה במדבר, או חבוש בבית האסורים, יש להתענות ולבקש רחמים בתעניתו; ולא יתענה בשבת ומועד, חנוכה ופורים וראש חודש.
That every individual should fast and pray for their distress. In one section:
Just as the community fasts and prays for their troubles, so too, each individual should fast and pray for their own distress. For example, if one is sick, lost in the wilderness, or imprisoned in a prohibited place, they should engage in fasting and seek mercy during their fast. However, one should not fast on Shabbat, Festivals, Chanukah, Purim, and Rosh Chodesh.
(See also Siman 569, and all around those Simanim.)
Then walk away quick! Let them decide what to do.
(If you walk away too slowly, they might ask you if you ever tried it yourself. Well, first of all, that’s your fault. Didn’t I tell you to walk away fast? Still, pivot back to them. “Why ask me? I thought you said you follow the Shulchan Aruch!”)
Then, if at any time in future they raise the perennial burning matter of their life situation (which they will, of course), you say: Uh, whatever happened to, um…?
That’s it.