HUMOR? When You Can Expect the Official War Inquiry

Netanyahu Promises Full Inquiry Into Gaza Failure Once He Retires

“A sober reckoning can take place after enough time has passed for immediate emotions not to distort our perceptions. Say, in about fifteen years.”

Jerusalem, October 23 – The incumbent prime minister of Israel vowed to conduct a thorough investigation of the numerous failures that allowed a Palestinian invasion of Israel’s south that took more than a thousand lives, captured hundreds of civilians including women and children, and involved the rape, torture, and mutilation of Israelis – after he has stepped out of political life.

Binyamin Netanyahu addressed a gathering of mayors from the affected region of the country. “This is just like after the Yom Kippur War” of 1973, he asserted, when a surprise attack by Egypt and Syria made unprecedented advances into Israeli-held territory and threatened the very existence of the Jewish State, or so many feared at the time. A subsequent inquiry detailed the intelligence, operational, and political missteps that led to the debacle.

“For now we must prosecute this campaign to its only reasonable conclusion,” he assured those assembled. “We must crush Hamas, eliminate its capacity to wage war, perhaps its very existence as a cohesive group, and make arrangements never to allow such circumstances again. Then, I guarantee, there will be a complete, comprehensive, non-partisan study of the leadup to, and the initial conduct of, this war – provided that, at that point, I have already retired from political life.”

Continue reading…

From PreOccupied Territory, here.

הצעה לשינוי דגל המדינה

הנה, כעין הצעת בנימין זאב:
המספר שבע מסמל את מס’ השעות שלקח למדינה להגן על היהודים, כמובן.
נתחיל בפוניבז’. מי בעד?

המכתב המוזר האחרון של הגרד”ל – ניסיון בירור אצל אחד מתלמידיו

כבר הערנו שהמכתב האחרון של רבי דוב לנדא “אין לו מובן”, כפשוטו. בלי רוה”ק, א”א לדעת מה הוא רוצה.

בניסיון לפתרון התעלומה, פנינו לאחד מתלמידיו…

הנה שיחתנו המאכזבת (אני מרשה לעצמי לערוך תגובתי מעט כעת, שהרי בכל מקרה לא ענו):

לא הבנתי, מה כונת הגרד”ל?
זה כתב סתרים.

דבריו תמיד בקצרה כבכל ספריו

האם אתה מחו”ל?
מי אתה?
אולי אינך חי הענין פה
לא בחו”ל,
אבל אפשר לפרש בצורה רחבה יותר או פחות,
ולכאן או לכאן.

למשל, שמא מתנגד לקשירת ציצית, אבל איזה מסורת יש ע”ז [אולי יש, אני לא מכיר]?

שמא מתנגד להליכה לצבא, אבל זה פשיטא,
מה יום מיומים [או שמא פשיטא להיפך? יש מעשה רב במלחמת תש”ח – אולי גם ר”ג נדל הלך – וכן מלחמת יו”כ]?
שמא זה נגד לשלוח אוכל לאנשי הצבא, אבל מ”ט? ושוב לא זכור לי “קבלה מרבותנו” נגד.
ואולי אין להתפלל על שמות של חולים ושבויים וכו’?
ואולי ר”ל שלא ללמוד הגנה עצמית, או לא לעסוק במערכות התרעה.
וגם ע”ז אפשר לומר שיש מסורת הפוכה. [אני לא אומר כך בעצמי, אבל מהיכי תיתי].
החזו”א כעין תמך באצ”ל וכו’.
וגם שזה יקלקל את ביתו וכו’,
לא שאני מסתפק אבל למה ומדוע וכיצד?
ומ”ש “דבריו תמיד בקצרה כבכל ספריו”, תמוה.
אדרבא, להבין ספריו חובה להרחיק עתונים גם בחול,
מעט שנות מעט תנומות, התעיף עיניך בו ואיננו, 
לברוח משיחת הילדים לאהלי תורה. 
אבל כאן…
בקיצור, “לא תנחשו”.
האם יש לך מידע פנימי מה הכונה,
או שגם אתה מנחש כמוני ע”פ התרשמות אישית מבין הסדרים,
עד כ”כ שאתה מתפלא איך בן אר”י אינו יודע למה הכונה הפשוטה “מים שלנו”?!

וזהו. אין קול ואין עונה.

Some Good Clean Fun at the Israeli Left’s Expense

Land-For-Peace Politicians Thinking This Maybe Not The Best Time For New Promo

“You know, with people’s attention on, y’know, other things.”

Tel Aviv, October 12 – Figures on Israel’s left who have long pushed for a resolution of the conflict with the Palestinians that involves Israeli territorial concessions in exchange for Palestinian or international security guarantees have determined that current events might have rendered a planned series of events and publicity to promote the principle somewhat unwise to launch at the moment.

A handful of serving Knesset members, several dozen activists, a similar number of academics, and former legislators from the Labor and Meretz Parties agreed Thursday morning not to pursue a campaign they had scheduled to kick off next week to convince Israelis that relinquishing control of Israeli-held territories to the Palestinians will help Israel consolidate and shore its international standing, its economy, and its safety, a member of the group disclosed today. However, the developments of the last week have prompted some second thoughts on the part of at least half the coalition; a straw poll last night, followed by a formal vote this morning, saw the indefinite postponement of the initiative.

“We, uh, yeah, we think, uh, it might not be the most, uh, effective use of our resources,” acknowledged former Meretz MK Zehava Gal-On. “You know, with people’s attention on, y’know, other things. It’s not going to have the impact we aim to achieve with such a campaign.”

“We ourselves have no doubt about the justice and workability of our ideas,” explained Former Labor MK Yosi Beilin, an architect of the Oslo peace process and model that ceded control to, and armed, Palestinians in areas Israel had taken from Jordan and Egypt in 1967, including the major urban centers of the Gaza Strip, and in the aftermath of which thousands of Israelis have been murdered by Palestinians operating from those areas. “It’s just that there are some loud ideas out there that seem more compelling, more convincing, to many people, and which prevent people from understanding the necessity of implementing something similar again with more territory.”

“We will continue to monitor the situation,” asserted MK Merav Michaeli of Labor. “We don’t put much stock in public opinion polls, because they never show what we believe to be true anyway, but now is obviously not the time. Probably because of all the Likud and Bibi propaganda. That distorts everything. We want to set the record straight, and we have constant talks with some of our Palestinian colleagues about that, but for some reason they’re avoiding us right now. they must be very busy with personal matters or something.”

From PreOccupied Territory, here.

Teach Children to Tell Time!

Check out  “Once Upon A Time”, Hachai Publishing, by Draizy Zelcer.

Conceived and written by an educational specialist who has taught scores of children to tell time, Once Upon a Time presents both an analog clock face and one with familiar digital numbers.  This colorful picture book doesn’t just show the hour or the half-hour… every five-minute increase is demonstrated!

In addition, common expressions like “a quarter to 8” and “half past 7” are included.  A helpful note to parents and teachers offers readiness activities and tips on explaining the clockface to children.

Once Upon a Time is just as interesting to kids who are still too young to tell time.  They will enjoy the broader message that every minute is precious, and learn that the best way to use time is for Torah study and the performance of mitzvos!

A beautiful, large-sized volume with bright, full-color illustrations Once Upon a Time entertains as it educates with unusual characters and catchy rhymes.

Read more here…