USA: Home of the (very very) BRAVE (?)

“Did I miss?” you asked. “You didn’t exactly miss,” said Pooh, “But you missed the balloon.” “I’m so sorry,” you said, and you fired again, and this time you hit the balloon and the air came slowly out, and Winnie-the-Pooh floated down to the ground.”

 ~ A. A. Milne

Imagine the angst of the people, especially the politicians, when a balloon floated slowly for everyone to see across these United States, gaining more and more press all the time. Of course it was a killer Chinese balloon; what else could it be? The news anchors at every mainstream media outlet in the country had the exact same story as it floated over my home state of Montana, and it was of course completely wrong. Airports were shut down, politicians were screaming, as the dire threat of a balloon filled the skies. The puppet pontificators, along with the military heads were very perplexed, and said there was an ‘indication’ that a balloon possibly from China was traveling across the country, spying on us. What a coup!

Yes, in this extremely advanced technological age, China had perpetrated the perfect covert mission to get all the U.S. military secrets, by sending a balloon that could be seen by everyone floating across the most sensitive sites in America. It maneuvered across oceans, across Alaska, through Canada, and on to the east coast off the Carolinas, while the Joint Chiefs of Staff hurriedly attempted to gather intelligence to decide how to squelch such a massive threat as this. The Chinese could have used Google earth, spy planes, drones, or any number of techniques, but decided on this groundbreaking balloon technology instead. What kind of monsters are these?

But worry not, for the politicians and the military only think of the safety of foreign civilians, and Americans, and that is why they have only slaughtered and murdered tens of millions since World War II. They said that if they shot down this state-of-the-art weaponry down over land, people might be injured by balloon debris. Thank God they care so much about us, as many could have been covered in latex had they chanced a shot at this elusive craft. I guess they missed their opportunity when it breezed over eastern Montana and Kansas, where there is only sagebrush and prairie.

Risk of this nature brings home the reasoning for the United States to have the largest and most advanced military in the world. If this does not justify a trillion dollar a year military budget, nothing could. Just imagine if they had not been there, what horrible destruction could have been the result. What carnage could have occurred? Americans everywhere were holding their breath, awaiting the final moment when the entire defensive forces could swing into action to stop this balloon threat.

But fear not my countrymen, as Top Gun fighter jets were put on notice, so that missiles could be prepared to take out this gigantic balloon. Only the best would be suited for such a dangerous mission. An F-22 Raptor fighter jet was dispatched from Langley Air Base, and was able to take out this balloon with but one single missile. Joe Biden cheered loudly, as he was once again safe, and told reporters, “I ordered the Pentagon to shoot it down on Wednesday as soon as possible … and I want to compliment our aviators who did it.”

This terrible ordeal is now over, as the multi-million dollar missile popped the balloon, and sent its surveillance payload plummeting into the ocean off Myrtle Beach. Locals were stunned by this display of bravery and honor, as they watched from the coast as the balloon floated slowly into the murky depths of the ocean. Of course this was televised, and will likely become a reality series very soon, so all can watch this Osama bin Laden-like operation over and over again. Just like bin Laden, the balloon was buried at sea to protect and respect the Chinese traditions.

This is one American who stands proud, as knowing the resolve and the tough decisions made by our great leader Biden, and the outstanding bravery of the Top Gun Pilot will help me sleep at night, knowing that this top notch military machine can take out a balloon with such precision, even though they could not even get a plane in the air on 9/11. Improvement at this level, taking out such a threat, should give pause to any who decide to ever attack us with a balloon again!

How far we have come: “The idea of aerial military surveillance dates back to the Civil War, when both the Union and the Confederacy used hot-air balloons to spy on the other side, tracking troop movements and helping to direct artillery fire.” ~ Michael Hastings

From LRC, here.